Once again, I was being extremely hard on myself (as if I have a right to be; like I died on the cross to save myself or something; one day I will fully get this thing called unconditional, unfailing LOVE) about not doing something that has burned in my heart for several years. Even lately, I felt a sense of urgency and still, I procrastinate. I guess you could call it that - along with lazy, fear or whatever other descriptive word I want to use. Peel it all away and it is just flat out disobedience.
Tearing myself down as only I can do as I go into my time with the Lord, I first asked the Holy Spirit to help stop the train wreck happening in my head, long enough to be silent in His presence and just enjoy Him - I, of course, could get back to telling myself how pitiful I am later...
I open Oswald Chambers, a devotional that is not for the weak and sensitive, and I read:
The sense of having done something irreversible tends to make us despair. We say, "Well, it's all over and ruined now; what's the point in trying anymore."
You know, it's moments like this that cause me to sometimes pause and look over my shoulder to see if the Holy One is actually standing right behind me. It goes on to say, in part...
Whenever we realize we have not taken advantage of a magnificent opportunity, we are apt to sink into despair. But Jesus comes and lovingly says to us, in essence, "Sleep on now. That opportunity is lost forever and you can't change that. But get up, and let's go on to the next thing." In other words, let the past sleep, but let it sleep in the sweet embrace of Christ, and let us go on into the invincible future with Him.
For a quick second, I proceeded to move from tearing myself down for not completing this "assignment", to condemning myself for being discouraged about it. Really?!?!?!
I. AM. BROKEN.
Needless to say, I took THAT "thought captive to the obedience of Christ" (I Corinthians 10:5) and proceeded to lavish in HIS unending grace toward me. HIS GRACE. Undeserving and Overwhelming.
Jesus simply does not hang around and dwell on all my incomplete and/or unfinished tasks. The Kingdom is BIG and it is on the move. Instead of wasting anymore time dwelling on what I haven't done, Father God in Heaven, I repent of my disobedience and look to You for strength and help to accomplish THE NEXT THING!!
Never let the sense of past failure defeat your next step.
Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest (February 18)
LET'S GET TO IT!!