He has said okay a thousand times already...but today...
A sweet, young man who is coming back into a real, life-changing, intimate relationship with God, after living a life you only hear about or maybe see on TV, took a hold of courage and shared something with me today. Something I could never adequately express with words, just how much of an eternal impact it will have on my life from this day forward.
He asked me to remind him of my name. “Michelle; but please don’t feel bad because I’m bad with names too - you’re name again?”
He then asked if I had any children, as if he were confirming I was the right person he was about to talk to. I told him no. He asked further, “Did you ever?” I told him I did, that Preston and I had lost our 3 children.
With a sigh he said, “You are the one my mom told me about”.
He went on to tell me about his life and the incredible transformation God is doing in and around him. He shared how for so long he could not pray. “It was like a prayer block of some sort...is there such a thing? I don’t know...”, he says.
He continued, “...until my mom told me about you. I just wanted you to know that when I heard about how you lost your 3 children, it touched my heart so much and all of a sudden I could pray again.”
I don’t think the look on my face matched the complete awe and overwhelming sense of God’s holiness I felt in that moment, because he panicked just a little and said so sweetly, “I’m so sorry. I don’t mean to say that my prayer is more important than your children, or that I’m happy that I can pray now, or anything like that...”
He had no idea! He will never have any idea the worth he just gave to my children and my whole life! He won’t know because the English language doesn’t have the right words for me to say exactly what I felt in that moment. He will never know how, in that moment, as healed as I thought I was, I was never more healed than now. A deeper quiet just settled in my heart.
Then he said the very best words someone could ever say to anyone who just lost a loved one, "I just wanted to say, I am so sorry for your losses." He continued and unbelievably said, "I have wandered why someone like me gets to live and still be here, as awful as I am, and you don’t get to have at least one of your children."
Oh my God! Tears were in his eyes and mine. I think we both were crying quietly in our hearts for enormously different reasons. His tears, perhaps because of the pain he must have thought I was still in and just the shear sadness of going through so much loss. My tears, for certain, because this young man has made my children, Alexis, Joshua and Bryanna more alive than ever. I told him, "I'm so okay honey. My children are so okay." All I could think about was how my children were in the presence of Holiness and so doing so well.
Yet, my heart was gripped at the sight of his tender heart! I told him "No! No! No! You are alive for a very specific reason! God is building you up so strong so that you can go back to the dark world you can relate to and pull out others with His light that will shine so bright and so strong through you! You are here for your mom and for your dad!"
What I wanted to tell him, but couldn’t in that moment think to tell him, was that your purpose, sweet boy, may have started right here, right now...with me. I wanted to say, if for no other reason, God placed you here, on this day, in this moment, for such a time as this to continue confirming the work He is doing in and through me for the glory of His Kingdom! To continue answering a desperate prayer from 8 years ago on a deeper level."
So often I have heard that we won’t know the impact we have had on someone else’s life until we get to heaven. My Father, for some reason, gives me the gift of seeing just a small portion of that right here on earth. He gives me a lot of Kisses from Heaven, but as of today, this is the greatest Kiss of all!
My children are not in vain! What the devil meant to destroy me with, God has, and will continue to use for His glory and His Kingdom.
If all that I have gone through can bring someone back to God and open the gates of prayer from within their wounded hearts, well... then...
I give myself away... I give myself away...So You can use me
My world is officially rocked by GOD!